How would you define feeling a little weak and frustrated? How can the things that gave such joy and fulfillment suddenly become so difficult to think about?
Is it because you are afraid, or maybe they give you so much joy that it hurts to think it isn't there anymore - how things used to be - 'before everything happened.'
I recently was told by someone that I should allow myself to grieve. I try. However, trying is all I do; because I refuse to believe I have lost something/someone. I refuse to believe that this otherwise incredible life would go back to 'normal'. That is just not going to happen. Things change unfortunately or sometimes, fortunately, we much accept it.
Let me spill a teeny tiny truth before I proceed - this was written well over two years ago. Why put out here now? Well, I got no idea. Better now than never I think, or maybe the reality is I was afraid of what people might think. Also, the other fact is, with how dramatic life is at this moment in time (a million reasons which I will get to one day), I would say NOW is the best. Or maybe because - I must confess, I have lost a part of someone. Someone I deeply love, and forever will do.
The thing is, most days, I wake up with this huge pit in my stomach. Most days, I curl up and hug myself tight enough to assure myself that I am not alone, that I would never leave me. People and things will always come and go, but I will pick myself for myself.
I like to blame it on those fifteen years of pent-up trauma (again, a story for another date). I am certain that a lot of us have that anger, and if you are anywhere close to being someone like me - an introvert with forever trust issues, I feel for you.
My deepest trauma has been my sexual abuse. NOW! that took a lot of strength to type out. Yes, yet another one. Isn't it sad how we treat it as yet another one? and yet another one. Honestly, despite being a victim, I still do the same. Not because I don't want to make a difference, I truly do want to make a difference. Honestly, I don't know how and I am just as disgusted by it as you. Somewhere, I guess I hope that writing about it would help. However, I won't go much in detail on this over here (as of yet).
As a result of this, amongst many other such incidents; and a variety of other incredible challenges life throw at us, I celebrated January 14th. One year since (para...dum..bum... - a little dramatic music never killed anyone), I decided to hurt myself. No, it was not for the first time.
Yes, I will address the why, how, wt*** at a later date, and if any of you are concerned - no I don't anymore. Now, this isn't easy to confess for anyone (like duh...). I mean, I can imagine the eye rolls I am receiving from you as you are reading this (and here goes "yet another damsel in distress"). However, I would like to correct you it never is easy.
The rest of you who didn't - thank you for understanding.
As I was saying, why do you and I treat it as yet another case, yet another victim? why have we normalised it, and if we do speak up, which let me tell you, I did too, right when it happened to someone I trusted, I was told it was normal. So, the second time it happened, I kept shut. Yes, I always knew it was wrong. Now, would it have been different had I spoken about it with my parents? Definitely, yes. Why didn't I? It seemed impossible for many reasons. I will blame it on my age. How much does one know at the age of 10-11? (Yes, you tend to learn to blame yourself when such things happen)
Moving on, over the past few years, I have had the privilege to speak with many such individuals. Individuals who have had experiences similar to mine (after I mastered the courage to speak up about this). AND MY OH MY!!!! let tell you these are some brave young women and men. You know who you are, and I salute you.
Also, let me tell you, harming yourself isn't the way forward. No, I would never deny that I never get those thoughts now, but I have found a way to manage them - talk it out (YES! it works - a living example writes this), a gratitude journal, a therapist, meditation, and most importantly - learning to love yourself, accept yourself and understand it was never your fault.
Before I end up spiraling, let me take a stop right here, with a promise to continue on a later date.
Now really moving on, I believe when life/universe throws unexpected challenges at you, and while everything around you seems to be crumbling down, you tend to build up a wall, a haven. You make yourself believe that you are strong enough to face this. Strong enough to fight all these multiple battles, even when you want to fall apart.
I have also realised that you are never put through these tests (as cruel it maybe), unless you are ready to face them.
I learned these the hard way, and reminding yourself of them sure does wonders.
A reminder, you are never alone, because you have yourself. While yes, we constantly crave that particular attention (whoever it may be from), being there for yourself is a whole other league. That said, if you do need to reach out to someone, never be afraid to because you are loved more than the world makes you believe.
You are not alone :)
Much love and warm cozy hugs,
V
Disclaimer: If you're having suicidal thoughts, call 999 (for UAE Police) or talk to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area. If any of your loved ones have any concerns, please reach out to them about it (let them know they are not alone, hug them. A little assurance can go a long way) and seek professional help immediately.
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