to the special someone, i can't hate
the worst part is i can't even hate you
hate you for breaking my heart
hate you for teaching me to love myself
hate you for not keeping your promises
before i write any further, i hope you are doing well! i hope you have found the happiness you have been searching for. i hope you have found peace. i mean it. i do
i still remember that evening you held my hand the first time. the innocence coupled with some unspoken love in that touch spoke volumes.
as i look back in time, i can remember all the little moments we did together and for each other (and sometimes to each other - a rarity - i do secretly wish we could go back to that evening and kiss just once more), but that was the beauty of being us. we loved each other expecting nothing in return. let me tell you, only a few are blessed to have experienced this.
it does suck though things have changed so much so that i rarely get a glimpse of you now despite being in the same country. what has become of us? i remember calling you my best friend (honestly i still consider you one). whom else can i possibly share my deepest darkest secrets?
but do you?
do you remember all the promises we made to each other? well let us say before any of it, life happened? but let me also say, i would have fought for you.
i know you will read this, and when you do, know i loved you for who you are, and i always will, come whom may (yes i know you would never believe this. but let me tell you, i know myself better). and yes, i am aware you never will, and that's ok.
but sometimes i do wish you might just speak one day and confess that it was all real and it still is, but not confessing is ok too.
because we don’t have to be lovers to love each other other right?
i could possibly write a book on us - about two not so wild fellas who fell in love with each other's mind, body, and soul.
i wish i could say the past month has been better, but it gets tougher each day. and maybe this is why i realised that i can probably never move on and even if i do, forgetting you is out of the question.
I'm sure it was hard for you too. but did you have to make the choices you did? i empathise with you and also know i am proud of you. you have come a long way. i understand we were never meant to be. for you had something better already. but this little heart wishes otherwise. oh! how it wishes?! one day? or is that too much?
on some days I'm happy. on some, i feel okay. you know you were a wonderful best friend and honestly, you still are. you taught me the meaning of love before you broke my heart, and that is ok. i have never despised you, nor will i ever. maybe because i secretly know you still love me too. but a part of you is too scared to admit it? and also because i have realised love or having feelings for someone is also about letting go. letting you go (secretly hoping one day you return) to find your happiness.
much love and warm cozy hugs
V
(a girl who will always wait for you, a girl who will always love you)
P.s. This post, 'Gone with the Wind' is dedicated to this said special someone who ............... (we will fill that one day eventually - there is always hope ;))
I am not sure what force introduced them into my life, but I always knew I shared something special with them, which no words can ever describe, and indeed I was right. However, let us say life had other plans, because not a second late, the universe decided to grab it all way. Just like that - Gone with the wind.
On the bright side, here I am learning to trust the process. Some days it is difficult, and most days, a tad bit more. But, every day, I hope onto a little bit of hope.
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